Let me warn you. I will be blaming certain people for my own actions, and this post may make you feel uncomfortable. But a lot of what I have to say is valid, and a lot of what I have to say can never be said for the simple fact that no one ever lets me finish a sentence. And that's why I write. No one is interrupting me when I write--is it even possible to stop someone in their tracks if you don't know what they're saying until they hit "Send"?
I would consider myself to be a great listener, but there comes a time in your life where you've taken as much as you can take, and you've listened to so much tragedy and you've witnessed so much trauma that sometimes you need to be the one that's heard. But then again, should I take back my disclosure statement? Should I really blame others for my own misguided thoughts? Of course not. But it's hard not to when it's all you've ever known. But that's another case.
My life, my family, and my friends. A variety of different souls, all abused, betrayed, or loved and cared for, still neglected, and misused, shaken to their defining cores.
But why am I the way I am? Do I care too much? Do I say too much, or to little, to the wrong and to the right people, at the wrong or right times or in the wrong or right places?
Ever since I was little, I loved people for their traits, I loved people for the way they made me feel, and the ways in which they allowed me to make them feel. I sought love. I seek love. And everytime I get it, something happens and it breaks me. My heart isn't broken, don't think that for a second, does anyone even truly believe in that shit? It's your brain that breaks, little by little, every time you let yourself get too involved with another human being.
Parents have to love you. And I would never blame them for my own actions, I would never blame them for what I choose to do with my life. That's all on me.
Best friends? I could blame them. Couldn't I? Don't I have that right after so many years of putting my all into something-then boom, they leave you like they never even cared in the first place.
And most people who do that, I can just stand up and say "Fuck you," and that's fine. Not that it's the best thing to do, but it's something.
I love myself, I love my friends, I love my life. Not everything IN my life, and definitely not some of the actions of my friends....but you get the picture.
Carpe diem, right?
7 comments:
Well, I think it's good that you finally have an outlet for those feelings. I think that the only thing you can do at this point is just make sure that you feel good, you know? make sure that your feelings are accounted for, even if it's just accounted by you, because at least you're taking care of yourself.
Jeesh. Your second paragraph is my life. I used to always be the person that people came to talk to, but eventually I cracked. I stopped being the person of benevolence. I kinda just became rude and closed off. Anyways, you are a really good writer, the tone you took with this is perfect. Thanks for sharing, buddy!
Hey- I kind of loved your post. I thought what you had to say about the matters of the brain over the heart was quite interesting and thought provocative. It seems more sensical than the 'broken heart' prospective. And I, for one, wish that I had the courage at times to tell people to stuff it.
And I understand what you mean about it being annoying when no one seems to hear you. I mean, for me, people usually literally don't hear me but yeah.
I know how it feels to have one best friend one second and then feel betrayed the next because I've dealt with it numerous times with different friends, which you know about some of them because you're honestly a great listener and you know how to cheer anyone up in a horrible situation. But yes I understand how you feel when you put all of your heart into someone and you try to show that you care about them as best as you can, and then they leave you for a better opportunity. I once had a friend (not going to list her name) and I've known her since we were babies. We were best friends up until fifth grade and I thought she cared about me a lot like I did for her, but apparently it wasn't the case. Upon hearing a rumor spread around, she believed it and dropped me like I was never a worthy friend in the first place; we still don't talk. She actually doesn't acknowledge my presence anymore. But yes your points are valid and I understand how it is to want to blame others for your actions because it's so much easier, but there always comes a time where you have to realize that you're not always the victim of drama- something everyone has to work on. But great job!
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